Something to smile about - or don't

[bpdchief]

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."

Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.

The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"

The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

[bpdchief]

"Not all chemicals are bad.

Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

[bpdchief]

"Money can't buy happiness...

But it can buy a Fifth of Jack Daniels - which will help to take the edge off of reality for a little while."

[bpdchief]

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
-- Benjamin Franklin
* * * * * * * * * *
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home well inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit in the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

Her friend said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, he replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!

[bpdchief]

On the eighth grand and glorious day...

GOD invented the whiskey, to keep the Irish
from taking over the world.

[bpdchief]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him." She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."